Idling

So, I'm reading this book, Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. I especially needed the chapter I read today. I had a rough day. I interpreted for a cranky, persistently blunt client. As he told me of my shortcomings, I gave him a weak, over the counter, kiss my *** smile. He got to me. And with that, my day was ruined. I began to bemoan my present situation. Various personal matters and disatisfactions played across my mind.

What do I REALLY want to be when I grow up?

Why am I in this career anyway? What am I doing?? I need some creativity in my life.

When is life going to slow down? Why can't I get my house clean?

What does God really want me to do with my life? Am I living with purpose?

And will I make a good mother (as we look towards adoption)?

I had a lengthy amount of time -2 hours- between that unpleasant job and the next. I drove to the University where I was to interpret a rather difficult class. I needed the extra time and it was a beautiful fall day. So, I took out my Velvet Elvis and sat on a bench outside.

I began to read. "We have to sit still and stare out the window and let the engine come to an idle." He suggests. He had a point. I thought for a moment. I don't idle - at all. I'm on all the time. Full speed. I'm exhausted and I can't think anymore. I'm cranky.

He goes on to say, "Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be."

Whoa.

I put down my book and stared at the red and white flowers that made a circle in front of the park benches. The bees buzzed, circling and the white butterflies mingled quietly. How often do I do this? Hardly ever. I closed my eyes and let the sun warm my entire body, forgetting about skin cancer and career choices; rude clients and my own incompetence. Afterall, if I don't idle, how will I know what God has made me to be? I won't be able to hear his voice.